Girl Talk 2: Girls Night Out
by JaerWolfe
Summary: In which Jack asks another important question.


_**A/N: For Sia who needed a laugh, and the rest of the KAST/KAAS.**_

* * *

"So how come there isn't a race of really hot men with perfect pecs and asses that we can lust over the way all the guys go gaga over the Asari?" Jack demanded in a slightly blurry voice, the hand holding her drink waving as she spoke. "I mean, surriussly. Guys get Asari who look weird from the neck up, but really, do guys actually look from the neck up?"

Shepard watched the glass warily as it came closer to her and smiled. "She has a point." She commented to the Master Thief standing next to her.

"I mean…whaddawe get? Salarians? Krogans? Yeah, I wanna tap me somma _that_." Sarcasm dripped from Jack's voice as she grew louder.

"I've heard some women go for the Turians." Kasumi responded with an indolent shrug leaning back against the bar.

"One word…chapping." Chambers answered from the other side of Miranda. "Really kills the mood, y'know, when you have to stop midway through and lubricate again 'cause their skin? Yeah. Just like sandpaper."

Four heads turned and stared at the Yeoman.

"Chambers, stop talking." Shepard ordered.

"And have you seen their teeth and their guillotine-like mouths? Like I want that anywhere near my…"

"_Now_, Chambers." Shepard snapped and sent the perky redhead mumbling something about overbearing bitches into her glass.

"I suppose there are Drells." Miranda offered looking slightly queasy as she considered the drink in her hand.

Eventually the former Cerberus agent was going to figure out that what she was sipping wasn't virgin the way she'd requested, Shepard mused hiding a smile behind her own glass. Jack may have been well on her way to sloshed but that hadn't stopped her from spiking the Princess' drink. Shepard's own glass did not leave her hand and had been deliberately spilled after Jack came a little too close a couple of times.

"Never could get past the lips. Looks like an allergic reaction to a bee sting." Shepard said shaking her head in answer to Miranda. "Plus…as a kid, I had a pet iguana that reminds me of Thane. Every time I look at him I want to put a spiked collar on him and take him for a walk."

Jack blinked owlishly several times and then smiled as her eyes lost focus and she visited some happy place.

"Wouldn't Garrus remind you more of an iguana?" Miranda questioned, her face frowning a little too intensely in thought. "The whole fringe thing on the skulls and everything."

"And the teeth." Chambers shuddered.

Shepard spared the Yeoman a glare and then shrugged. "I think it's the neck, but he reminds me of an iguana. Maybe the eyes? Besides, I'm sure there's another skin issue involved, too."

"Not so much." Chambers disagreed with an exaggerated shake of her head as she drained another glass. "Think leather. A nice, soft leather. They don't have nasty teeth…"

"Shut up, Chambers." Miranda ordered. "Who invited her?" The last was demanded in words that were starting to slur and Chambers repeated her overbearing bitches comment.

"Jack." Shepard said with innocent eyes and Miranda began to giggle.

"The Asari do come in different colors." Kasumi offered after a long consideration. "That has to be a turnoff, right?"

Jack gave a snort of derision. "Right. Blues and purples. That's a _real_ turnoff. I mean, couldnant have them coming in puke green or urine yellow, coulddaey?" She pounded on the bar demanding another refill.

The bartender, a slender Salarian, took one look her tats and quickly complied.

"I think its racist!" The convict pronounced. "We human females demand equality! There should be an alien species of hot men looking types that we can lust after, too!" With each word she smacked the palm of her hand down on the bar.

"I don't think its racist when it's genders that are involved." Kasumi commented aside to Shepard.

"Who's going to argue with her?" Shepard asked with a snorting laugh.

"Human women deserve hot alien men with man-baskets that overflow!" Jack shouted to the entire bar.

"And that is why I go drinking with Jack." Shepard stated with a grin. "Well, that and to make sure she doesn't kill anybody. Or start fires. Or both."

"She has a point." Miranda hiccupped and looked at her glass suspiciously before shrugging and finishing it off. "Have you ever considered it? That maybe this Universe was created by a team of mad genius' whose sole purpose was to please shy, repressed men who couldn't get a date with someone like me in real life?" Without waiting for an answer she motioned to the bartender for a refill.

"I like how the more drunk Miranda gets, the more she and Jack become best buds." Kasumi shook her head no when the bartender offered to top off her own glass.

"Wait until karaoke starts." Shepard advised. "I promised Joker I'd get him some new footage for the extranet. He's put in a request that they sing some song about a girls kissing each other. Me, I think that's just wishful thinking on his part."

"Ah, karaoke." Kasumi said in sage tones. "The real contribution of humanity to the various species of the Universe."

"Greater peace through drunken singing." Shepard raised a glass.

"I'll drink to that." Kasumi laughed and tapped Shepard's glass before sipping at her own. "Why would you promise to get Joker some footage for the extranet? I thought you had a policy against encouraging him."

Shepard ducked her head as if the whole matter were awkward for her. "I do. This is a onetime special request."

"You do realize I'm a Master Thief and capable of stealing whatever blackmail material he has on you?" Kasumi questioned tilting her head to the side.

"It's not blackmail. It's a thank you to Joker for his helping Kaidan buy me a gift. I figure drunken footage of Miranda and Jack singing is harmless." Shrugging, Shepard shook her head. "Besides, if Joker ever tried anything like blackmail on me he knows I'd retaliate and Kaidan has some footage of him somewhere in a black leather thong."

Kasumi paused as she was about to take another drink. "Shepard, why does Kaidan have images of Joker in a black leather thong?"

Laughing, Shepard motioned for a refill in her glass. "Not for the reason you're thinking."

"Good…although Kaidan was looking good in the spiked collar in my imagination." Kasumi responded.

"Spiked collars aren't as fun as you'd think." Chambers said in a too loud voice shoving her way in between the two women. "They poke."

"Jack." Shepard called in irritated tones, glaring at the petite redhead.

"Ooooh, Chambers, look! A Vorcha!" Jack grabbed the Yeoman's arm and pulled her away from the bar. "You should meet. He's been eyeing you all night."

"And that is why I never get drunk when I go drinking with Jack." Shepard told Kasumi in prim tones.

Kasumi looked at the drink in her hand and carefully put the glass back on the bar. "Good call."


End file.
